Lost in myself

For last week or so, I have not felt productive at all. My wake up time has extended to 1-2pm and I get out of room at 4:30-5:00 pm, if at all. Sight of Matlab has become unpleasant to me. Perhaps because of absence of any clear path to do work. Many pitfalls have captured me and I have gotten lost in those never ending vestibules. I try not to compare with colleagues, but lately they have been more productive at doing things, perhaps using new tools (GPT and its cousins) which I find dangerous for my cognitive abilities, if used for long or if I get addicted to that method of doing things. I also sometimes try to use that but in moderation. Sometimes it does help and other times serious contradictions in doing things as  compared to acquired knowledge from usual method of skimming through papers. Then, most of time gets into resolving these conflicts and to think what should be correct course of action. But then again it’s only natural to sometimes feel in conflict with new information. 

These problems related to work seem to never go away from the mind and it seems I’m always working even though I don’t do anything related to work. I have not been able to detach myself from work effectively. Most of the times, meeting with friends and going on about some random conversation which I can’t recall after 3-4 days and then going somewhere to indulge in gluttony pleasures, does not seem to help at all. Even then, I feel I am working. 

I randomly rewatched La La Land this week and I basically started seeing that movie in different light which corresponds to progression of my life (of course!). Naivety, bit of innocence, seeing life through this rose tinted glass or romanticism (perhaps in order to escape my inner turmoils or aftereffects of coming out of tough mental situation) has been the rule of past life (before covid/UPSC?) but later only disillusionment with everything has become the norm. I don’t want to get into this right now.

Today, somehow I feel within myself. I don’t have words to elaborate. I feel better at detaching myself from things which I am actually not doing. I took a walk to lab , then from lab to hostel, then to library, then to hostel. I was only walking most of the time. There was nothing else in the mind, at least most of the time. I worked for 1 hour, maybe, and that seemed enough. I read the book, perhaps 50 pages which is a lot given my record. I was only working while I was working and reading while I was reading. I don’t know how to describe it. Although this won’t last, I am surprised that somehow I have become capable of doing this (perhaps not intentionally) today.

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