Sick of my comfort

Got up at 10:40 AM or so. I just kept laying in my bed for about 1 hour or so. I can’t recollect what was I thinking. In fact I don’t know what I’m thinking most of the time. But my brain works more than when I watch some fun TV series/anime. And after thinking about these forgotten things, I look back on how I got to think the last of the things, I can’t see past the fog. Disappointed, I turn my attention to the last thought and I find it to be dissolved into this fog too. And I am surrounded by these clouds everywhere, unable to decipher what just happened. To get out of this confusion, I listen to some music which I was listening to the day before and again can’t remember which one. Once I finish the song, I keep searching for some other music as I am never satisfied. The music put me in different zone than what I am in. And as the music stops, I am back again to the same confused self. I remember that I have work to do but what work is that, is lost on me. I get up from the bed to get on with my busy day as reminded by the honks of vehicles passing by the road just outside the campus gate. I look at the time, and it’s suddenly 12:15 PM. Where did that past 1 hour or so, went? I can’t remember. I go to bathroom for freshening up. To my utter amazement and disappointment, cleaning is going on. I know everyday that the cleaner will come at this time to clean the washroom yet I somehow forget this detail once I decide to freshen up. I go back to my room and listen to some music to pass the time. The music does the same thing it did before. Again I have no idea about what I’m thinking. It’s 1 PM now, and I go again to check. The washroom is cleaned now and I get busy with the morning routine. It’s 1:30 PM and I have to decide to whether to go to lab or not. The dilemma is that I have not gone to lab for about 3-4 days and yet I can’t bring myself to go there as I have nothing to show for results and I can’t concentrate on the work either due this irritating and frustrating loud noise coming from side keyboard. Somehow this noise sums up all my failures and disappointments of others as well as mine. I can’t work with that noise being present. It signals to me the fast pacing development that is going on and I am not a part of that. These developments consists of many things, for instance, colleagues publishing papers quickly, past batchmates settling in abroad and having lifestyle that seems outside of reach, old friends deciding to getting married and moving up the ladder in job market, people investing in their fitness, picking up hobbies and following them through, having some “personality” (I don’t know what that means), talking and having fun with the attractive gender, cooking, dancing , singing, playing sports etc. I can’t bear to look into that noise. Some respite comes only when few friends drop by in the lab and we chat about everything that is not work. Once snacks time strikes on the clock, an urge to get up from there comes up. Keeping these in mind, I have to pick out the clothes to wear to even follow this nonsensical and predictable routine. But I don’t have clothes to wear. Each pair of garment looks old and not good on me. I keep reminding myself to buy new clothes and I keep forgetting. Even when I remember, I scroll through some app and nothing interests me and if it does, it’s too costly. I can’t pay that much money and still look plain and uninteresting. So I put aside buying clothes for sometime. Next day, I don’t have clothes to wear and each of them disgusts me like myself. Sometime, I look in the mirror and find this handsome boy/man and I can’t find half of that handsomeness in myself. I feel so far from what I see in the mirror and on paper. I think that’s the reason why I tend to break off eye-contact with anyone who looks at me in the eye. I know on some level, that they are seeing some version of what I see in mirror. They don’t know me and they should not ever. What will come out of knowing me?  Perhaps, these are the things and many more that goes into my head every time all at once and I can’t pinpoint which one is that. 

I can keep going on but I have to stop that thought. I figured out something maybe 1-2 days ago. What is “love”? I had never arrived at any answer. It seemed such a big word but so casually thrown everywhere. I now think real love is basically this thing which is basically outside my grasp of thinking ability. I can’t even put it into words or picture it in my mind. It sits with these other ungraspable things like consciousness, truth, reality and beauty. And I think that one story that I tell myself is that the ultimate aim is to be in presence of these things. For some, aim is just to live and not think about these things, which seems more efficient way of doing these things. But I have never been satisfied with that and it seems cope out from thinking, to me. Now I feel, “love” is basically a journey towards these things. When someone say “I love you”, it’s a promise to go on that journey together. To do everything and anything to walk that path together. To choose each other as the partner on that journey each and every time it gets difficult. This promise has to be mutual, otherwise it’s not “love”.  When we are in “love”, it pushes us to be the best version of ourselves every day of our lives. We want to be at our best for our partner and for our mutual journey. People have figured it out so long ago. Maybe that’s why some people try to do their best in each moment and others, who have not figured it out yet, feel sorry, hurtful and disillusioned and keep facing and hearing the noise. 

I have gotten sick of my comfort now and I have to get out and move on from this. Perhaps, even though this feels best days in a while,l even more fulfilling days are ahead.