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In awe and terribly scared

I went to “History and philosophy of science” seminar series presented by UG students. I arrived a little early, looked into the auditorium - empty except two individuals trying to set up the projector/presentation. Stepping out, on a whim, walked to explore a bit of CSA dept., went to first floor, a poster caught my eye on the notice board - of same event that I was going to attend. Went downstairs, to drink water before the starts. Two women chatting, went a bit silent at sight of me and then again started talking. Drank water and went to see the posters - made by the same UG students. Some professors were checking them out in the hot sunny afternoon. One prof. caught eye of other - “hey! long time”, he said. I went into the auditorium, decided to take a back seat as I usually do. Audience and presenters had gathered. One prof - seemed like one- was lamenting of the dire state of archives in India to one of the presenters - he later gave talk on Born coming to IISc and had he stayed,...
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In the search

It is my personal upheld belief that something much bigger and majestic encompasses us. Truth, beauty, love, consciousness, reality and God are just different aspects or perception of it. My senses and capacity of my mind can’t even begin to comprehend even a minuscule part of that. My mind is not rich enough.  I have decided to bring myself out of this “pointlessness of everything - every action, viewpoints, work, thought and life in whole” viewpoint. I think at this point , I would do myself a bit justice if I can find courage in myself to get on this endless journey of getting even a glimpse of that majestic and mystical thing. Everything that I would do, would become a journey - final outcome of which will hardly matter. What would be of utmost importance, will be the intangible things that would help me on that bigger journey. Perhaps the outcome of that bigger journey would also not matter and maybe the outcome would be the big journey itself. I don’t know. But I want to sear...
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Sick of my comfort

Got up at 10:40 AM or so. I just kept laying in my bed for about 1 hour or so. I can’t recollect what was I thinking. In fact I don’t know what I’m thinking most of the time. But my brain works more than when I watch some fun TV series/anime. And after thinking about these forgotten things, I look back on how I got to think the last of the things, I can’t see past the fog. Disappointed, I turn my attention to the last thought and I find it to be dissolved into this fog too. And I am surrounded by these clouds everywhere, unable to decipher what just happened. To get out of this confusion, I listen to some music which I was listening to the day before and again can’t remember which one. Once I finish the song, I keep searching for some other music as I am never satisfied. The music put me in different zone than what I am in. And as the music stops, I am back again to the same confused self. I remember that I have work to do but what work is that, is lost on me. I get up from the bed to ...
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Lost in myself

For last week or so, I have not felt productive at all. My wake up time has extended to 1-2pm and I get out of room at 4:30-5:00 pm, if at all. Sight of Matlab has become unpleasant to me. Perhaps because of absence of any clear path to do work. Many pitfalls have captured me and I have gotten lost in those never ending vestibules. I try not to compare with colleagues, but lately they have been more productive at doing things, perhaps using new tools (GPT and its cousins) which I find dangerous for my cognitive abilities, if used for long or if I get addicted to that method of doing things. I also sometimes try to use that but in moderation. Sometimes it does help and other times serious contradictions in doing things as  compared to acquired knowledge from usual method of skimming through papers. Then, most of time gets into resolving these conflicts and to think what should be correct course of action. But then again it’s only natural to sometimes feel in conflict with new inform...
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